Before you give advice about migraines...
Why not consider kissing my ass?

"Hi. I've never actually had a migraine headache before but I thought I would belittle your pain by giving you some really stupid advice on how to get rid of it." That's what people are saying to me when they say things like "Oh I get migraines. All I do is rub my forehead for a minute and it goes away."

or

"I had a migraine the other day. I could only play tennis for three hours because of it."
Listen up. If you can get out of bed, do anything besides cry, and if you can do anything to make your headache go away, then you do not have a migraine. I have been on Morphine, Codeine, Demerol, Vicodin, Butalbital, Talwin, Midrin, Imitrex, Inderal, Thorazine, Axert -- just to name a few -- and guess what? They don't help everyone. The best I can hope for is enough morphine, not to make the pain go away, but make me not care so much that I'm in pain anymore. If Morphine doesn't help my pain, do you think I give a rat's ass about your lavender pillow? When I'm shuffling around the drug store at three am after spending the night in the hospital, doped out of my mind on Thorazine, holding a drool cup while waiting for my barbituates, do you think I'm kicking myself in the butt because, "Oh yeah! I should have just put a warm washcloth on the back of my neck!"

One of the stupidest things I've heard about migraines came out of the mouth of my ex-doctor. I was sobbing in his office after a visit to the emergency room and he told me that migraines don't exist.

Let me explain migraines. Here is a list of symptoms:
flashing lights, wavy lines, spots, partial loss of sight, blurry vision
smelling odors that aren't there
tingling or numbness of the face or extremities
difficult finding words and/or speaking
confusion
vertigo
partial paralysis
auditory hallucinations
decrease in or loss of hearing
reduced sensation
hypersensitivity to feel and touch
sensitivity to sound
sensitivity to light
nausea and vomiting
diarrhea or constipation
nasal congestion and/or runny nose
severe anxiety
hot flashes and chills
dizziness
confusion
dehydration or fluid retention,

Now, imagine that you are experiencing an ungodly pain in your head. You are slurring your speech and can't think of the names of ordinary objects. You projectile vomit, not neat and cute barf that goes in the toilet, I'm talking about spewing out a steady stream that splatters against the wall ten feet away, soaking everything and everyone in its path. Light and noise cause you to erupt with animalistic screams. You smell and hear weird things that aren't there, can't see out of one eye, and the other eye has lights flashing in it. You are so numb that you chew on the side of your face when you try to talk. You have to get up about forty times to go to the bathroom , and the movement of walking causes you so much pain that you almost pass out. For real fun, try the vomiting and diarrhea at the same time. Your family will love you!

You can't watch TV, you can't read, you can't eat, and you can't carry on a conversation. Banging your head against the wall is oddly comforting; the impact of your skull against the drywall offers a split second of near-relief. You are afraid you are going to die. You are afraid you are not going to die. This goes on for four days.

Then we can talk about what an effect this has on your family. Your spouse missing work from taking you to the hospital, your children scared shitless at mommy's screams, eating crackers at the far end of the house trying to be quiet so mommy doesn't cry.

Do you really want some asshole telling you that all you need to do is sniff a little lavender and it will all go away? The only thing I have to look forward to is that I'm assured a private room in the hospital because I have to keep the lights out. Four days of pain and another one or two to recover from the side effects of the drugs before I'm functional again. Not to mention the time spent at my doctor's office getting my prescription changed for the millionth time, the constant emergency room visits, and the toll all those drugs take on my stomach and liver.

Oh, and the grisliest, foulest, most vile inner circle of hell is reserved for people who wear too much perfume. I hope bears maul you all. I would rather walk into a Taco Bell fart than find myself in a cloud of Obsession. One whiff, one elevator ride, and I get a free trip to the emergency room. In a perfect world, it would be legal to hit those people over the head with a shovel so they can get a quick glimpse into the pain they are inflicting on others. When I am outdoors and I can still smell your perfume when you walk ten feet away from me, I may do just that, if I can stand to get close enough to you.

Now, everyone knows what a migraine is and should know if he/she ever experienced one. Next time you open your mouth to give advice to a migraine sufferer, unless you are giving them the number of a really good doctor or a suicide hotline, don't. Just shut up.